These last 14 days have been filled with an emotional rollercoaster. We miss you, Zayden, to depths I didn't realize existed. The house seems to have lost its "home" vibes. No more Dawn, Amelia, Jenn, or Steven smiling faces here to greet us daily. Our family is broken, and I don't know how to fix it, Zay.
Each day seems to be a slow climb to great heights, only to have a terrifying drop to the depths of purgatory waiting to suck us down with a sharp twist to the right, midway to its stomach-wrenching steep drops, back to the hard twist to the left as the climb starts again. These days have been filled with both good and bad emotions, as well as obstacles to overcome that are beyond our control. its one step forward and 3 steps back.
I'm sorry I haven't been able to bring you home yet. I am working really hard on it. We have to wait on the State Medical Examiner's office because of an error made by the attending doctor, but I was assured that this has been corrected now. I've been trying to keep myself busy because any time I'm still, the pain works its way in to swallow me in its unforgivingly cruel jaws.
Grampa is having a terrible time moving through his pain of our loss of you. Per normal protocol, I'm angry with myself for not being able to protect the ones I love from the pain and consequences of life's harsh boot kick straight to the chest. Logically, I know it's not within my abilities to protect everybody, or anybody for that matter, from life's cruelty. But it doesn't stop my strong desire and anger level to bulldoze life's cruelty out of the paths our loved ones have to travel. Yes, Grammie is surviving by keeping the pain of losing you, Zayden, by depending on anger, and the ability to charge into the mix of solving problems, any problems, and fixing issues that I can find to fix.
I'm also trying to navigate all my feelings towards other family members. Zayden, I feel like I'm failing miserably. The limited "mind-out-of-mouth" filter I normally have seems as if it's been put into fast-forward speed. I have been spitting out my actual feelings without a lick of compassion, consequences be damned. It's as if I want others to hurt as much as I am hurting and to be as angry as I am. I hope that their selfishness and self-centeredness will sink in. All the while seeing that they move on as if you were never here, Zay. Their actions and decisions break my heart while increasing my anger level more with every interaction, with every phone call, with every social media post made by them. You were here too short a time. I dream of waking out of this nightmare where you are gone, only to wake up with the terrible ache of missing you terribly. I want to bring you home, yet I am at the mercy of others. I want others to realize their feelings and wants aren't the only feelings and wants in the world.
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