Ripple Effects Continue to Spread

Zayden left us just 4 days ago. It's so hard losing him, yet life doesn't stand still—everything surrounding the loss of Zayden tears at me.

Where do my nurses go from here? They blindly followed me from one nursing agency to another for Zayden and me, with no questions asked. I'm angry I can't continue to fight individually for this group of people who have become a huge part of our family. Dawn, Amelia, Jenn, and Steven are not "just nurses." I want to hit someone or something every time that line is said around me. Each one of these special life-saving people shared our lives. Each put themselves right in the middle of our messy, dysfunctional family and became part of the craziness. Each of them played a huge part in keeping me sane during Zayden's last year of life. At different times, each stood shoulder to shoulder with me to fight for Zayden and his well-being. Each cared for Zayden and played with him as if he were their flesh-and-blood nephew, grandchild, or child. Not one of them will ever be marginalized as "just a nurse" in my presence. No one has the right to marginalize their importance in our lives or their commitment to Zayden and our family. These nurses, nor any nurse's importance, should ever be discussed as "just a nurse."

Each of us loving Zayden needs the time to grieve. But instead, the world keeps turning, expecting us to go right back to work, move on to the next assignment or job to keep a paycheck coming in to pay the bills. How do any of us just move on? I can't even breathe for five minutes without the tears flowing again. How do I go about applying for a new job when I am so lost and a complete hot mess mentally and emotionally? 

I'm seesawing between the paralyzing anguish, terrorizing anger, absolute numbness, and back to the desire to fight the injustice of CDM1 taking Zayden away from us. It's maddening that the world isn't stopping to allow us all the time we need to grieve our loss of this precious little boy who was taken all too soon. Yet, every agency and every bureaucratic government agency says, "We'll get back to you in 7-10 days after we receive a certified death certificate." The same agencies and bureaucratic governmental agencies, when they could have made a difference - same place- not helpful in the least.